Trust Me

New parenthood is a bit of a dark territory. Not only are you learning how to do everything for the first time, but you are also constantly on the lookout for The Unexpected, whether that be a major breakdown that you can't figure out the cause of, a new (worse? better?) sleep pattern, illness, or just trying something for the first time. And once things seem to be going well, it's tempting to avoid challenges or change for fear of running into The Unexpected and throwing everything into upheaval.

Or at least it tempts me.

I am by nature a creature of habit. I like routines.  And while I am happy to break out of that routine from time to time, my daily life is was typically fairly structured. It's simply how I work best.

So structure is how I initially approached parenthood. This was furthered by the fact that, because Molly lost quite a bit of weight in the hospital, she was on a strict feeding schedule when we first returned home. I fed her every two hours for the first week we were home, then every two and a half hours for the second week. I kept a strict diary of her feedings (when? for how long?) and her diaper changes (wet? dirty? how much?). This helped me feel in control, like I knew what was going on in the midst of lots of firsts and intense sleep deprivation. But it was also a lot of work. So after her two-week check-up, when our pediatrician confirmed that she was back up to her birth weight and looked great, I reluctantly let go of the structure and journaling. I fed and changed her when she needed to be fed and changed, rather than on any set schedule.

This is, of course, better for.  It has allowed her to get used to sleeping for longer stretches (thank goodness!) since I'm not waking her up every two or three hours. And for a while I was great at living in the moment, letting her do what was best for her.

But then, taking after her mother, she settled into her routine. For about two weeks, her sleeping pattern was almost like clockwork, as was her eating pattern throughout the day. I loved the consistency. Planning my day became so much easier.  But that routine only lasted for about two weeks before she decided it wasn't working for her and started waking up every three hours or so throughout the night, which wasn't so much working for me.

When she settled into a more sleep-happy pattern (with a little help from David and I), I noticed that I became reluctant to do anything that might disrupt that.  When family visited, I was terrified that she would suddenly stop sleeping again. I was so uptight about what might happen, that I failed to enjoy our visitors like I should have. All the while I heard my own little Jiminy Cricket telling me to relax and roll with it. I, of course, ignored him...for a while.

Then I realized that, by stressing structure and fearing change and spontaneity and habit, I wasn't giving Molly enough credit. She is a good baby who handles being out and about with great panache. I needed to trust my well-behaved baby in order to give her the experiences and opportunities she needs to and should have, both now and in the future.

But more than that, I need to trust myself (and David, of course).  I may be new at this parenthood thing, and there are certainly plenty of times that I'm unsure about everything things. But so far I have been able to handle every situation that has presented itself.  Why do I still assume that I wouldn't be able to handle it if something did happen? Maybe Molly will break down and scream her head off in the middle of Target. I'll just deal with it and move on. The possibility of it happening shouldn't keep me from going to Target (ha! as if anything could keep me from going to Target!).

So this past weekend, when my Mom, her boyfriend, and his granddaughter, visited us, we decided to trust ourselves and trust Molly. We took her with us when we went out to lunch for only the second time, then we went straight from there to Wakulla Springs State Park, where we enjoyed hiking and a boat tour along the Wakulla River. I also breast-fed Molly in public (if you count a secluded, otherwise empty picnic shelter as public) for the first time. We were out and about for 5 or 6 hours and, you know what? Molly did great! She slept through lunch and half of the boat tour, and was sweet and calm the rest of the time. I was completely proud of her, and I absolutely loved the freedom of being out and about without a time frame.

Bolstered by Saturday's success, on Sunday we got dressed up for our first church service since Molly was born. Dave in particular was nervous about taking Molly to church; we just didn't want to be the family with the baby who cries in the middle of a prayer or the sermon. But we were intent on trusting her and ourselves and, once again, it paid off. She slept through the entire church service. And while that may not be a good idea when she an adult, for an eight week old, it was fantastic.

I know there will still be tons of parenting situations in which I won't know what to do. I'll have plenty of opportunities to be stressed or frustrated. But I will no longer avoid situations because of the possibility that The Unexpected might creep up. If it does, it does, and I'll handle it the best I can. But I won't hide from it. And I certainly won't hide Molly from it.